Tuning in, tuning out of my negativity

As the struggle with food addiction goes, today wasn’t the most successful day in terms of behaviours. However, it was also an incredibly busy and quite a stressful day. If I started to describe what happened with my day, it would seem that I figured what I needed to do and did it quite well. It was a high functioning day from that point of view. However, there were many points during the day when I was checking in with myself and I observed my inner emotional state was quite stressed.

It’s a revelation of sorts. Usually I am so driven by what I am able to accomplish and get done and so focused on it that I don’t even tune in, I presume that if I am able to do things, I must feel good about it. I am sure a part of me really loves being productive, turns out that is just not the emotional part of me. Or rather being hyperproductive seemingly isn’t joyful for me.

Still, there is a lot to get done usually. I am not sure what the solution is to find a way to reconcile my emotional self and productive self, perhaps my EBT course will shed some light on it. At this point though, this awareness itself is a victory. Learning who I am and what I am all about.

As far as collecting ‘joy points’ go, the clear winners were speaking with Ash – what a pleasant surprise for a Saturday getting a call from the land far far away, meeting my doctor after a couple of months. The doctor said, “Is it just that your life goes upside down in the 48 hours before you see me or is constantly in so much turmoil and upheaval?” and I replied, “No, it is constantly in turmoil. It would be the same kind of crazy even if I were not seeing you for 48 hours.” And then he said, “I am always fascinated by how you approach healing”.

Haha, he kind of gave me his blessing for the new diet plan and I will see him again in 3 weeks after I’ve done some tests. As I tend to have epiphanies about my health, he is kind enough to listen and support but not hamper my journey. What a good fortune to have a doctor like him. ❤

This morning as I drove past the route to Mike’s house because it intersects with the route to see the doctor, my mind again went into fundamental darkness of how I wish things were different, how Mike might have done this or that, what if I had done this or that. After ruminating for a while and intellectually observing it too, I couldn’t quite switch out of the self-defeating loop. No way I swished it around in my brain seemed to change the perspective. Until I remembered these words from Sensei Ikeda’s writing:

For us who embrace the Gohonzon, the wisdom of the true aspect of all phenomena means to view everything with the eye of Buddhism and the eye of faith. (Pg 189)

What does the wisdom of the true aspect of all phenomena add to our lives? It gives us the power to skillfully use everything that happens to create value. Many things occur in the course of life. There are sufferings and joys, tailwinds and headwinds. All such phenomena provide opportunities for us to make the true aspect of the world of Buddhahood in our lives shine; we can use everything that happens to expand our happiness. This is what it means to lead a life illuminated by the wisdom of the true aspect of all phenomena. (Pg 202)

From – The Heart of the Lotus Sutra,  Daisaku Ikeda

When I reminded myself to look at my current situation or my failed relationship from the eye of faith, I could see how this was another opportunity for me to create value.

What is the purpose of life? It is to construct and solidify a state of absolute happiness, a condition in which to be alive is itself great joy.

Whatever happens, we experience joy. In the depths of our lives, we are always happy. And we have confidence in the future. Like the ocean that remains calm in its depths even when waves rage over its surface during storms, and like the sun that continues shining on high even during heavy rain when dark clouds fill the sky, at every turn we can create value and develop our state of life, enjoying our existence to the fullest in times of both suffering and joy. This is a life based on the true aspect of all phenomena (Pg 212)

From – The Heart of the Lotus Sutra,  Daisaku Ikeda

My complaining or feeling sad about what happened is in a sense me not having confidence in the future. It reveals to me my lack of conviction and faith in my practice and my life’s greatest potential. The only way I know to transform this is to progress in the path of my practice and solidify the mentor-disciple spirit in my heart.

Having said that, I am not saying that I’ve conquered this negativity forever. Hopefully every time it rears its head, I can squash it and build a stronger state of life. At the moment, being able to switch out of the negativity itself is a great accomplishment.

Have you had these struggles? Recurring negativity when faced with a difficult situation? How do you deal with it?

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s