In April, I went to the monthly SGI meeting. The general director in his lecture mentioned how when he was stuck in a toxic work environment he started chanting to find the right opportunity that enabled him to use his beliefs, skills and values to contribute to society and kosen-rufu. I realised that my own projects at work were about to end in a couple of months and I didn’t know what I wanted next. I started chanting for this too with a target of 3 July.
A couple of weeks later I received an email from a recruiter at one of the top organisations in my field of work. An organisation I’d applied to before but had only received rejections. This time they were asking me. I setup a call with them and later rescheduled it – I just wasn’t functioning when I got back from India 3 weeks ago.
Finally I spoke to them last week. They said they would like me to apply for a role. I said that I would think about it and get back to them. I expressed my interest on the next day.
In a way, I felt overwhelmed and intimidated at the thought of going through this rigorous process. I thought I was reasonably happy at my job and why would I want to do this. I realised that I need to challenge myself and get out of comfort zone. That when I don’t do this, I end up with other difficult situations because then I’m growing because of problems rather than because of great accomplishment of challenging my tendencies.
Earlier in the year my determination was to use great vision rather than great suffering to show actual proof in my life and advance kosen-rufu.
Now I understand all this but I also feel very lost. I don’t know how to do my best to accomplish this goal and win for the sake of kosen-rufu.
Thinking “aloud” perhaps this is what I need to do next:
- Reply to the email, thank them and tell them when I would provide them with my availability.
- Update my resume
- Apply to the position formally.
- Send my availability for the first round of interviews
- Look at the interview prep resources and start making some notes so it is easier for me to revise later.
This is the first hash. For now, I am in a plane and don’t have access to the Internet.
Soon I will and I will aim to do item no. 1 today.
There, now I feel a bit ok… I can only focus on what I can do today, tomorrow will be another day.
For as long as I remember, I have been this person judged and admonished for being rude and arrogant. I have been direct in my communication to the point of aggressiveness. I suppose I lived all of my childhood with such deceit and farce of a “happy family and childhood” while hiding behind it being such a complete two-faced lie that my life was, I became extremely direct and truthful in my communication. There was no filter between how I felt and what I said, I didn’t care how my words affected the person in front of me. In my view if they couldn’t swallow the bitter pill of truth I shoved at them, it was their problem. After all, my life was about swallowing the bitter pill of life everyday.
Further, the lack of emotionally healthy people who had time or capacity to teach me emotional self-regulation and communication made it worse. I was little and picked on by many, the only defence were my sharp words and there was no way I was going to let go of them. I had a habit of launching physical assault in a fashion befitting my little-ness – I would just quickly hit the bigger family member of my generation with both my hands before they could grab both my wrists with one hand and immobilise me and render me completely helpless. This stopped one day when my aunt complained vehemently about this behaviour to my mother. From what I recall, she shamed my mother and scolded her for being incapable of “controlling” my bad behaviour.
My mother in her fiery temper tied my hands with a rope while scolding me and slapping me, asking me if I would ever do it again. After that day I was rendered completely defenceless and helpless. I developed an even more fiery anger and deep resentment and powerlessness over my ability to look out for myself.
Anyhow, I digress. This was why words came in handy until I ended up in a job I really liked and found out that everyone disliked my guts and arrogance. That people could not deal with my aggressive attitude and arrogance.
Continue reading “Learning to Communicate”
Since I came back from India two and a half weeks ago, I’ve been struggling to adapt to life here in some ways. The thing I miss the most is the abundance of people to hug safely.
First I don’t have that many people to hug in Australia but second and more importantly, my connection disability means that I’m unable to connect to a hug or register the dopamine it would normally bring into a healthy person’s being.
If I’m hugging people regularly I become attuned to it and don’t suppress my emotions as much. Also, the people around me in India are my family that I have deeper bonds with and have over time become better at letting in. While here, when I hug one person a week maybe, my brain switches off the hugging receptor. It’s too overwhelming for my emotional brain to let in this hug, then not be able to process what’s going on because it’s a bit out of practice. But also the other more overwhelming aspect is, it doesn’t want to let in this hug and then crave and not have it tomorrow.
My brain has gone into the mode of protecting myself.
Writing this makes me realize that perhaps I need to chant to have a life where my brain doesn’t have to protect me, where I feel able to cope with whatever is in front of me – joy as well as sorrow.
Regardless, I’ll continue to strive in my practice and go out and engage with others for the sake of their happiness. I refuse to give up and be in my bubble. Sometimes chanting with others feels like a hug, expect that to happen plenty of times over the next week.
Looking forward to it.
Last week I was traveling for work, quite wiped out and had diminished functioning. I met one of my SGI friends for dinner. It was a wonderful catch-up, always wonderful to see her. First met her in a training course in 2014 and the friendship keeps going.
Afterwards back at my hotel room, after finishing my chanting, I had an overwhelming urge to call my ex Mike from a relatively short but very emotional relationship, at least for me. Earlier this year I’d told him to never contact me again and he understood I needed the space.
As I was about to call him I prayed that only if this is right for me should he answer the phone, putting all my trust in the Gohonzon. I called him and it rang as though he was overseas, I was about to hang up and then reminded myself to persevere. Soon he answered and it was breaking up and his American accent seemed heavier than usual, I had trouble understanding what he said. I just got that he’s away and in a conference and will talk later. Surprisingly he followed up with a text that he couldn’t hear me but he will try calling me over the weekend when he has a break.
Knowing him, I figured I probably won’t hear back. It crossed my mind a couple of times as I went about my weekend, reminding myself that I’m not sitting around waiting or obsessing about it. He texted me late on Sunday night and I was already in bed and replied to him the next morning saying as much.
Continue reading “Making peace, building friendship”
After yesterday’s friendship and joy, I found myself better able to connect to my purpose today. It was much easier to chant for an hour this morning. I invited one of my Buddhist group members to chant at the same time from her home. I thought of it as a chore for her because she must have been living a good enjoyable life with her husband.
However, things aren’t as always they seem to be. Even when I think I’m struggling and nobody else is in a soup like me, someone is still struggling in their own way.
When we finished chanting she said that she hadn’t chanted like this for a while and thanked me for inviting her. She said that she needed to redetermine and strengthen her resolve to align with her vow for kosen-rufu.
I was amazed how my new prayers based on President Ikeda’s guidance and persevering in creating causes led to this moment.
This fuelled me to talk to my state leader and reach out to many other young women. I want to strive to create so many causes and accumulate so much good fortune that when PMS and it’s accompanying deep depression and fatigue come around, my good fortune is enough to carry me over, that somehow my life force is so strong that I don’t suffer and am able to keep continuing the cycle of contributing to society and kosen-rufu.
I’m grateful for this challenge that leads me to strive. Thanks to my friend in Melbourne for giving me so much encouragement to focus on my determination.
My most favorite thing from that conversation was – everything I do is ok. If today I can only text one person and chant for five minutes, that’s ok. If I can do more, that’s ok too. As long as I’m somehow doing my best, whatever that turns out to be is enough and ok and will lead me to accumulate limitless good fortune.
This took so much anxiety away. Further that I can only focus on my causes. And if I text someone and they don’t respond, I don’t need to fixate on that, I can go ahead and connect to others who while continuing to chant for those who are not able to step forward yet.
So much to do and strive for. Exciting times!
I spent today with a friend for 6-7 hours. I’m so lucky that he cleared his calendar for me when I said I was struggling, depressed and home sick.
I came home and talked to another friend who’s been going through a rough patch too. He said to me how he thinks he’s talking to a guy, doesn’t feel self-conscious sharing his personal problems. What a great compliment, ahem with regards to his comfort.
Then I spoke to my friend who I hadn’t spoken to in a year and we had a mini crash course on each other’s lives for the last year. I saw how he seemed so “together” even with his struggles. On reflecting, I could see my daimoku reflected in his life. Maybe one day he will have the courage to chant again. Until then I’ll continue to chant for him.
So much love and joy. Now it’s past 2 am, I’m so sleepy but also happy.
Lots happened since my last post on 13 April.
My nearly 93-year-old grandma passed away, my last remaining grandparent, the last one holding the fort. It was incredibly beautiful to send her off, and yet incredibly sad. A part of me still keeps waiting for her to say my name and put her bony frail hand on my head and complain about how I haven’t yet gotten married and how she worries she won’t see me again before she dies.
I applied the complete power of my practice to be able to let her go in peace, to be strong, to be determined and undeterred, just like her.
Continue reading “The Month Gone By”