One million

Completed one million daimoku today. My first one. Now striving towards the second million!

Such a phenomenal year of growth and winning over myself. Keen to see what I accomplish next!

🌞

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Neurofeedback – day 1

I found a treatment that had good results for traumatised individuals having physical health issues. Today was my first session.

Usually people feel exhausted after it, I feel a surge of energy and joy.

I’m so stoked.

What a wonderful victorious day. I’m determined to overcome all my health issues.

Funny how I’ve made so much progress in the last two months of chanting towards one million daimoku.

Daimoku is the basis of everything. Not an after thought, but the starting point of everything.

Sensei said somewhere, “Chant in every spare minute”.

In my busy life it can often be difficult to find a spare minute. Unless I take the action to chant first, then go about my busy life.

Thank you to sensei and SGI for letting me find the light of Hope in my life and my heart.

❤️

Rising from the Ashes

In some sense I live the life of the mythical Phoenix. In my severe menstrual issues, I’m one person for a couple of weeks of the cycle and someone else for the rest. Then there’s the exhaustion and pain in the first half so you could say I get about ten good days in every cycle. Plus the length of each cycle could vary because the hormonal issues make it unpredictable too.

From ovulation until my period, I feel like I’m slowly sinking and then drowning. I’ve always had this. I can’t remember a time since I started having a period that this didn’t happen. Oh wait, right there was the time I was on the pill and while I suffered from wild side effects, I realised for the first time that I’m not an angry person. For that, I am grateful. At least I got to see a glimpse of an alternate me that was still me. Unfortunately, that didn’t last, the pill contributed to too many problems. It’s so strange they don’t tell you how badly it can alter your gut and actually make things so much worse when you go off it.

On Saturday I did everything right, I got enough sleep the night before, I went for a walk, I socialised, ate well. I struggled. I had trouble processing questions, stringing words together. I met with a friend – that’s brave of me- I have many a broken friendships attributed to my severe premenstrual symptoms. PMDD as it’s called.

Turns out one of the big causes is low serotonin, that’s made in the gut and regulates the gut too. The other cause is weak oxytocin receptors. Literally these mean, I’m trapped in not feeling love and joy. The thread tying these together is traumatic childhood experiences that lead to dysfunctional development of the neurobiology causing lifelong problems.

I can’t change my childhood or anything in the past. I can only make a determination in the present moment and keep renewing in each moment. And then from the phenomena of 3000 realms of a single moment of life, this starts to transform my life and reality.

This determination and redetermination is a constant struggle. Battle against how things are inside of me and developing a deep conviction for my life and the purpose of my existence.

In the Gosho study lecture I went to today, the leader said (and I paraphrase)

Karma is misunderstood. It is usually described as the description of your current reality. However, in our practice, Karma is our tendency.

When we have changed our tendency, we have changed our karma. And this manifests in a change in our reality in our life.

So simple and so profound. It is so hard to change my tendencies. It is so hard to know what’s to keep, what’s to change. It’s so hard to solve this problem using my brain, impossible when I’m underwater in the dark ocean struggling to breathe.

When I realised the difficulty, complexity and impossibility of this challenge today, I went into despair. Realising yesterday’s depression caused despair today. Realising the struggle of the last 3 weeks, caused fear of the future, of my next cycle. Sometimes I want to undergo a hysterectomy but then I worry what if I come out stuck in my depressed state not my happy state. Who knows which one is the real me.

I was deadlocked.

Then I messaged my best friend in the practice, who I know has more than an inkling of what it feels like. Her care, while traveling overseas with a small baby to see her in-laws started to shift my life. Her simple words of, yes, this is so unbelievably hard, remind me to acknowledge the depth of my struggle. Reminding myself of the depth, I realise that this is not a struggle that is forever sinking. The fact that I deadlocked and hit rock bottom today means I’ve reached the turning point.

That turning point is my determination. For me to appreciate and contribute no matter what. For me to respect my life no matter what. For now, I will do my citizenship test next week and then if I need to take time off, I will. My friend reminded me to not strategize. I have the Gohonzon, the wish granting jewel. I don’t need to give up one thing in life to get the other. That’s the bit President Ikeda said about having a lofty prayer.

This led me to chanting which further led to this determination.

The fight continues.

Faith is the basis of everything

I found this in my study today:

Faith in the Mystic Law is the basis for victory. Those who continue to chant Nam-myoho-renge-kyo through all are admirable and strong without compare. When we resolutely bring forth the power of faith and practice, we can manifest the boundless power of the Buddha and the Law in our lives.

No matter what the situation, first chant. Chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo is the ultimate driving force that enables us to break through all obstacles, undefeated by any problem or suffering.

– Living the Gosho, location 403

I read Louise Hay’s ‘You Can Heal Your Life’ years ago but could never put it into practice. Affirmations are not quite my thing.

Today I had the bright idea to write them as my prayers and apply the strategy of the Lotus Sutra to change my consciousness patterns that haven’t been able to release my illness yet. For the first time, I know what to do about my knowledge of patterns. Funny how it didn’t occur to me before.

In other news, a massive victory today. This afternoon I learned that my uncle was very angry and explosive with his suffering, abusing my aunty as usual. I became very stressed and asked my friends for their daimoku. He has a lifetime of suffering and just venting it in front of who’s in front of him. I kept thinking what my prayer should be and how to change his behavior, strategizing with my brain and feeling helpless and inadequate.

All this while my friends chanted for him. A few hours later I learned that the doctor talked to him and explained the whole situation and what he had been through and how he got a new life almost. The word is, since then his panic has calmed down and he’s more reconciled with the reality of the situation.

It still amazes me how daimoku works every single time!!!!!

No matter what the situation, first chant.

As much as I know it, so hard to do. Learning to be better!!!!