Tuning in, tuning out of my negativity

As the struggle with food addiction goes, today wasn’t the most successful day in terms of behaviours. However, it was also an incredibly busy and quite a stressful day. If I started to describe what happened with my day, it would seem that I figured what I needed to do and did it quite well. It was a high functioning day from that point of view. However, there were many points during the day when I was checking in with myself and I observed my inner emotional state was quite stressed.

It’s a revelation of sorts. Usually I am so driven by what I am able to accomplish and get done and so focused on it that I don’t even tune in, I presume that if I am able to do things, I must feel good about it. I am sure a part of me really loves being productive, turns out that is just not the emotional part of me. Or rather being hyperproductive seemingly isn’t joyful for me.

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Finding Freedom

Since last year one of my prayers has been to be able to live a life of true freedom. The last few years of my life have been very shackled because of my health condition. It has been like walking a tightrope – making sure I have food to eat according to the diet and I’m managing everything within the limited energy constraints. There’s been the stress management aspect where I get so stressed that I eat the wrong things or binge eat on the right things, either way it’s been really harmful. Also, not being able to accept the reality of my dietary restrictions, the fatigue I could accept eventually primarily because I didn’t even have energy to fight it but also because I just ate to cope with it.

There was a time of my life wherein I ate a big bag of sweet potato chips every single day, sometimes two. I never kept them at home, because I wanted to be stronger. Instead I would walk across the street, even in rainy and freezing whether, sometime before the supermarket closed at 10 pm to get my fix. Every day I would try to get by without them and every day I couldn’t. They were my only trusted reliable companion.

When I look back at that, I’ve come a long way. Even having one day without the chips would be called progress I think.

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Struggle with Food Addiction – Part 1

I say part 1 on this post because I imagine it won’t be the last, who knows, maybe it will be a three part series like the Millennium Trilogy or a seven part series like Harry Potter. Clearly I love books 🙂

Nothing like a poor joke to make light of a serious subject. As I read in some of President Ikeda’s writing earlier this week:

In the midst of a genuinely desperate situation, he (President Toda) retained his sense of humour

– Indigo Magazine Jan 2018, page 30

Earlier this week when I really struggled to be able to manage my crazy rotation diet and sleep and work, I prayed with the determination that I must be able to do Gongyo, chant at least ten minutes, write here, have my food figured out and be able to get some sleep. For the last 3 weeks, sleeping at 2 am has really taken its toll on me.

Last night, I was ready to sleep at 9.30 pm. I still hadn’t written my blog or cooked lunch for today. I dragged my ass off the couch and somehow cooked and wrote. By the time I finished and got to sleep, it was 2 am again.

Oh wait I missed a step, after dragging myself off the couch, I ate. I ate even though I wasn’t hungry and had already eaten. It was a reward and emotional fuel to be able to do what needed to be done. I couldn’t do it without the emotional support food provided me.

Continue reading “Struggle with Food Addiction – Part 1”